im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
