i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
