coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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