My sheets look like a crime scene.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
