guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
