apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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