I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
