I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
