I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I am midnight drunk by noon
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
