we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
