watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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