Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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