I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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