So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
