1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
