I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
sarcasm needs its own font
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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