It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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