We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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