Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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