Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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