Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
