i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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