I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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