he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
