Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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