im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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