I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
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