i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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