He had one of those small greek statue penises
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
