I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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