I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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