you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
