Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
