Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
