Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
