After last night, I could never be a politician.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
