I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
