I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
