You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
