My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
