I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
