I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
