I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
