Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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