Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
