you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
