She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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