So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
