Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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