This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
